Monday, 2 June 2014

SEX AND HOW OUR PARENTS LIED TO US

Do you remember that conversation you had with your parents about sex? It probably was on that day when you had your very first menstruation. Or maybe, it was that day when that neighbor's daughter came home pregnant and the entire street got a free movie show. Either way, something must have triggered THE TALK. Now, it didn't  matter if you were as close to your parents as peas in a pod or had a run-away-to-my-room-as-soon-as-daddy-shows-up fear of your parents, but if you had a conversation about sex with your parents, it most definitely must have been AWKWARD!

Thing is, as awkward as it must have been for you, it must have been ten times worse for your parents (okay...a little exaggeration. Maybe, two times more). Imagine the horror they must have felt trying to explain sex to you; a child they brought into the world. Multiply that horror by two if you were a very inquisitive child. If it wasn't so serious, it could actually be very funny. In retrospect, though that scenario was quite the rib cracker, you knew you couldn't dare laugh. What was worse, parents knew that too. They also knew they could not laugh either. With that much pressure, it was no wonder that
they sometimes resorted to flat out lies in order to keep us in check. These were probably done out of love, but have gone a long way in shaping how children-turned-adults viewed sex as a whole.

Here is a list of some of the lies our parents told us about sex.

Lie #1: Your virginity is your most valuable asset and the biggest gift you can give a man



Some might be nodding their heads in remembrance of this one. Is this statement even sensible? How can virginity be ranked as a woman's most precious asset?! What happened to her brain? What happened to the influence with which she was created with? When you take a look at this statement, you see the hand of some very chauvinistic group of people who do not think that there is more to a woman than her honey pot. These people formed the core of society’s norms and were further translated to kids from their parents. So, the question that begs to be asked is: when the virginity goes, does her value go with it too? Is her virginity supposed to influence her husband into being the man he ought to be? Is her virginity going to help her manage a home, and if she works, still keep a balance between home and career and all other things she does? How come the one thing that is taken in a jiffy is deemed the most important asset she could bring to the table? What is worse, there are men who have married virgins and who are totally disgusted with their character flaws, cooking skills, personal hygiene or skills (or the absence of) in bed. He will not care if she was a virgin if she falls short in other areas that are necessary to keep the home. It then goes to show that the hymen CANNOT possibly the most valuable thing that you can give a man.

Lie #2: If you do not have sex before your wedding night, your husband will love and value you more

You all know that couple who start the day with a brawl, a loud shout or the sound of the wife used as a punching bag. The presence or absence of the hymen doesn't make a wife beater hang his gloves, nor does it make an emotionally empty man show love and affection to his wife. There are men who have married virgins yet have gone on to disrespect them in public. Some have gone as far as withdrawing their affection and cheating on them, even to the tune of dating their very best friends, and in some cases, their sisters. Virginity is then no guarantee that a man will treat a woman right when she becomes his wife. Also, the fact that your husband was your first doesn't mean he will be so enamored of your honey pot that he won't stray to some other woman. If you are in doubt, go ask all the virgins-before-marriage who are dealing with straying husbands what they are feeling and if their virginity means jack in their marriage at the moment.

Lie #3: If you have sex before marriage, your husband will lose his savor for you

Truth is, whether you have sex before or after marriage, your husband will eventually lose his savor for you...as you will lose yours for him too. Keeping desire afire in a marriage is a full time responsibility required by both husband and wife. That is why you might start your marriage hitting it five times a day and then slow down to once a day, once a week, once in three months and in some instances, never at all. It is a natural phenomenon. Laws of diminishing return always sets in and sex is no exception. Your precious ‘virginity gift’ wouldn't make your husband bury himself in you for the rest of his life. He will get up; even it is just to pee.

Lie #4: Sex is disgusting

This line is usually towed by religious fanatics. They hammer on how disgusting the sexual act is, going as far as saying it is sin, even in the confines of marriage. There are stories of people who get up from having sex with their spouse to bent-knees in prayer to 'cleanse themselves'. You begin to wonder how they can take that stand when God Himself created coitus, not just for procreation but for communion, hence His insistence on being married (becoming one in all sense) with whom you are doing it with.

Lie #5: A woman who wants to know about sex is a whore

Many women get engaged to men and the issue of sex never comes up. When they eventually get married, they suffer through their husbands sexual overtures without saying anything. Many of these women don't even know that sex can be pleasurable for them. They lie down, allow their husband to hump and grind, reach his own orgasm and get off. Whenever they want to ask their husband to do something different, they remember their mothers telling them that talking about sex is forbidden for good girls. This results in many sexually frustrated women who are gradually reduced to frigid lovers. It becomes worse when a woman gets turned on, and doesn't feel she can talk about her desire with her husband. She suppresses her desire so she doesn't come off as a nymphomaniac or worse, a whore. It doesn't matter that sex is to be a mutually beneficial expression of love if it is to be effective or enjoyed. It also doesn't matter that many women clamp their teeth and squeeze the sheets, not from pleasure, but from immense pain. No one cares that a woman knows what would please her as naturally as a man knows where to insert his penis shaft. Who cares that talking is (and can be) a form of foreplay, thus making the sex act all the more enjoyable? But no! Our parents said good girls don't talk about sex.

Lie #6: Women have low sex drive

This one in particular is just totally out of this world! But it isn't too far-fetched. If you have to deal with all the aforementioned lies our parents told us, of course your sexual drive is bound to be low. Even when a woman has a normal sexual drive, she would feel ashamed for being different and want to hide her 'abnormal' drive from the glaring eyes of their parents and society in general. It is when you sit with a group of girls, ladies and women that you realize just how frustrated many of the female gender are. Amongs ladies, there is free flow of conversation that many parents, men and society should glean... and learn from. 

It will be noticed that men are excluded from these examples. Generally, men do not get THE TALK. They are not bothered with societal strictures like women are. No one -well, with the exception of religious bodies- condemns a man for not holding unto his virginity. In fact, society lauds a man who sows his oats -royal or otherwise- as far and as wide as possible. No one tells a man not to just jump on top the woman and grind until he gets his satisfaction. Parents don't call their boys to tell them about chastity before marriage because whether it is said or not, boys are expected to have sex WAY before they get married. 

As much as society has evolved, the double standard regarding sex is still very glaring. It is high time these standards get evened out so there is a level playing field for which society can be built. 

Parents should give their children sex education without bias. It is time that parents tell their daughters that their virginity is not the most important gift they can give to their husbands but a sign of their willingness to share ALL of themselves with their spouse. Parents should tell their boys that while it seems okay to have sex before marriage, it really isn't! Boys should be taught the same standards as girls so that if (and when) they have sex, it will be a joint dive into pleasurable depths under the sanctity of marriage and as a commitment to one another.


Parents shouldn't tell their kids that sex is disgusting because the psychological trauma from that statement alone is enough to mar a person sexually for life. As awkward as it may be, parents need to let their kids know that sex is beautiful, exciting, exhilarating and can also be dangerous, disappointing and in some cases, downright tepid. Parents should be the source of ALL the information on sex that their children gets, so that they don’t wander off to the uninformed choices of their peer, the unbalanced theories found on the internet, or the fallacy found in porn videos and pictures.

Education may be shedding more light on the issue of sexual relationships, but many are still shrouded in the darkness of ideologies built centuries ago. When parents are the illuminating factors in expanding a child’s mentality on sex, there might probably be a reduction in instances of unwed pregnancies, STIs and STDs and also phobia of what sex entails.

Sex is still the most exciting topic to talk about; from the loud guffaws of Casanovas to the muted whispers of belles, sex cannot be easily shrugged off. Parents need to start spilling the truth because every lie your child discovers on their own, reduces your credibility as a parent.

1 comment:

  1. Wow! Well said Ramat...U gat a bit of Tim Lahaye writing style....A good conclusion.
    I agree truth need be told...I hope no one reads this half way; it might just result in a stone sentence.
    Looking forward to ur next

    ReplyDelete