THREE COURSE MEAL by Tonton Nelson Raymond

Image: Ovayo Ntlabati for Unsplash

Lot of these guys talk much about how "shawty look like a snack"
But I think you look like a three course meal.
It doesn't matter if I do, or don't mind
A little belly fat is still fine
God is a tattoo artist and stretch marks are his design
You're not just a barbecue, you came with sides.
Peeking out of your hijab
These things are hard to hide

ANNOUNCING: 'QUICK-E'

One of the best things about Africa is how diverse the people, cultures and traditions, food, clothing, values and beliefs, and what makes us African is. From the horn of Africa to the swamps of the Niger delta, we are as different a people as the topography of our regions are. Despite our difference, it is safe to say that we are the most beautiful people on the planet!

SHALL I COMPARE YOU, WOMAN?

African woman.
Image taken by Martin Kirigua for Pexels.com

By Abigail Abby Abok

Woman,

Shall I compare you to a giant sequoia?

You are stouter and more reverent.

For trees once stood where skyscrapers now do

And winds do strip forest of tough trees.

You, most precious creature, flourish amidst the flaming fires of society's limitations,

Defy expectations

And resist the pestilence of inferior classification.

THE DWAYNE PROJECT

Beautiful Space Wallpaper
Image: Eliosh

'Life' scared the shit out of her. She knew that NASA and a host of scientists were really testing the possibilities of life on other planets. She also knew that for life to exist on any of these planets, they would have to be super intelligent and greatly evolved.

That wasn't what scared her.

WOMEN DO NOT FEAR GETTING ROBBED.

Trying to stop an attack
Image: Vox

They fear getting raped.

Play this scenario in your head.

UNSUNG HEROES: MAI RUWA

A typical Mai Ruwa with his truck. 
Image: Wikimedia Commons

Due to a failure of government to meet basic infrastructural necessities like constant power supply, running water, good health care and quality education for its citizens, many people are constantly having to provide these necessities for themselves. In fact, it has become quite normal for households to provide their own water and electricity and pay exorbitant fees for quality education and healthcare for themselves and their families.

WEDDING MESSAGES HAVE TO CHANGE

Image: Wedding Planner Coach

I was at a wedding recently and as usual, was frustrated with the wife-centred message that came from most of the preachers at the event.

A couple of things stuck out like thumbs dipped in palm oil and I knew I just had to talk about it.

First, one of the preachers - someone you can tell is old fashioned - spoke a lot about the role a wife should play, which, if you attend many weddings, is submissive. I was not surprised by his message; I had heard it one too many times. What surprised me was a statement he made as he rounded up his message. 

A WAKE UP 'KONK' ON MY BIG HEAD

Ramat (AKA the Crazy One)

I woke up this morning and as usual, I went online to get a sense of what happened in the hours that I slept.

As I scrolled through Twitter, I basked in more stories about Beychella, was super proud of K.Dot's Pulitzer, lost my cool at hearing of Cole's album – which drops on April 20, 2018 – and got shocked out of my shoes by the fact that Joe Burden put his pettiness aside to compliment Nicki's Chun Li.

You can say I had a roller coaster morning.

It was as I was going through these emotions that I stumbled on a tweet that made me bolt upright.

Here is Why You should Subscribe to My Channel…Even though it is a Mess Now

My Vlog. Sigh.

I started my video log in early 2016 as a way to put a face to my online persona and hopefully reach more people. But it wasn’t until I got a rude awakening at the end of 2015 that I began to think of my vlog.

Settle in. I’ve got gist.

THE BIRTH OF A PODCAST

Crystal Starr with a Microphone
GIF: Giphy

February 7, 2013. Time, 5:25pm.

I was in the ‘corpers’ lodge thinking of what I was going to have for dinner. I was low on cash and had been pretending I was on a fruit diet. That day however, I knew I couldn’t eat one more piece of fruit without going stark raving mad.

As I pondered on whether to get Indomie or go to another corps member’s room to stylishly ‘beg’ for food, my phone rang.

‘What are you doing?’

THE HOPES OF A MAGAZINE…THE REALITY OF A BLOG.

I always wanted to own a magazine.

UNVEILING THE NEW SHADES OF US

SZA with the mood
Credit: Giphy

Hello You!

Let me formally introduce Shades of Us.

SEEKING VALIDATION OUTSIDE MYSELF

It has been a little over 40 days since I last put up any content on my blog, podcast or video log. In reality, it has been longer than 40 days since I wrote anything for my blog and even longer since I had a new video on my YouTube channel.

So what was the problem? Why did I abandon my babies for more than 40 days?

Love on the Brain and Everything We Didn’t Do Last Week

Hey you!

Last week was super slow! I mean, snails achieved more than we did last week. But…thing were uber tight at our 9 to 5 and we just couldn’t deal. 

ENDING VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN, QUEEN LATIFAH’S U.N.I.T.Y AND CLOSING LONG DISTANCES

Hey Roommates!

This past week has been…extra! We almost wanted to hide under a rock for a few days. Of course we couldn’t find a rock that would serve us breakfast in bed, with strawberry dipped in chocolate and masseuses kneading all the knots and kinks out of our very weary shoulders and body. So…we worked!

LONG DISTANCE (THE FINALE)

Two people in a long distance relationship are trying to find each other. An unexpected turn of events tear them apart when they finally do. And it keeps pulling them apart until…they find themselves here. This is the final story. There were three others before this. (Read here, here and here to understand the story...or continue on here 👇)

Adon Kato heard the loud voices as she gradually slipped out of consciousness. Where was she? And why were they yelling?

‘You were my best friend! Why on earth would you ever think this is okay?!’

‘Oh! So it is okay for you to leave her and be with someone else and I can’t be with her? In fact…what the hell are you doing here? Why are you here?!’

Adon could tell Isaac Okiemute’s voice, but who was the other person?

On Bad Fathers, Body Shaming and Eminem’s New Song Featuring Beyoncé

Hey hey!

 

So this is coming a bit late in the day but it is here! 

How was your week? We hope it was as full and fun as ours was? ‘What did we do?’ you ask. A lot…even if we say so our self.

ON GETTING OLDER, FUTURE FAMILIES, CREATING RECORDS AND ADAPTING TO CULTURE SHOCKS

Hi people!

How have you been?!

So starting this week, we want to try something. Thing is, we tried before but got quite lazy and it never hit the ground running. We know; shame!

Anyway, starting today, we will be doing an overview of all the posts we shared the previous week and what the new week will feel like.

Excited?! So let’s get to it.

RUNNING WITH A PURPOSE 2017

We are excited to announce that we will be attending the second Running With a Purpose Conference organized by Save our Women (SOW) Foundation in Zaria, Kaduna State, Nigeria.

UNSUNG HEROES: TRASH COLLECTORS

A while back, I wrote a series of tweets addressed to the Nigerian Federal Ministry of Environment about a refuse dump at a community in Abuja called Karu.

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

Dear Friend,

I need your help and I would appreciate it if you took time to read this post. So…thank you in advance for obliging me.

I was seated in church – The Diplomats’ Centre in Kaduna – a few days ago when I noticed some people close to me.

SMOKE SCREENS AND FIRE

Have you ever had a false rumor spread about you? I have. Twice that really hurt me. And it wasn’t good.

The very first time was when I was in Junior Secondary School (JSS) 3.

INCREASING NUMBER OF AGBEROS IN OUR COMMUNITIES

‘Nyanya here! Nyanya one person!’

‘Ikeja along, Mangoro, Iyana Ipaja, Igando! Ikeja along, Mangoro, Iyana Ipaja, Igando wole wole!’

‘Yola, Yola, Yola! Shiga da changey! Yola, Yola, Yola!’

‘Sabo! Sabo! Sister come enter this bus. E done full!’

‘One chance to Enugu! Come enter direct moto go Enugu!’

These are some of the calls you hear when you are at motor parks in many cities in Nigeria. For the most part, these calls are not made by bus conductors as they are popularly referred to. They are made by young men – agberos if you may – hanging around such parks.

So…here is the scenario.

TCS Consult Presents ‘Proficiency Certificate Training’

TRAINING DESCRIPTION

TCS Consult is a consulting firm headquartered at Yola, Nigeria, with special interest in human capital development.

The firm utilizes platforms such as Masterclasses, Transformational Hubs amongst others to teach individuals and organizations on practicable strategies in attaining peak performance in their endeavors.

For the very first time in Yola, TCS Consult has organized a Proficiency Certificate Training in the following Programs:

QUICK SAND ON A PLATEAU

She always knew she wanted to be rich and famous; she wanted the world to know her name, girls to aspire to be her and boys to want to marry her. She wanted to leave a legacy of strength, ambition, love, change, power and wisdom. She knew it was conceited but she wanted people across the globe to know her name…for her principles, her drive and her humanity. She didn’t want to die without having left a mark in the sands of time. And best of all, she didn’t want the want the fame or money for just herself; she wanted it for everyone she knew.

The Review: THINK LIKE A MAN

When you put the eccentricity of Kevin Hart, the sexiness of Meagan Good, Michael Ealy and Romany Malco, feistiness of Taraji P. Henson and Jennifer Lewis, relatability of Gabrielle Union, Regina Hall and Lala Anthony, a list of basketballers, a happy white guy and the goofiness of Chris Brown, what do you have?

The Review: GOODBYE (SLAUGHTERHOUSE)

One of the greatest things you can expect from underground rap artists is the content of the song. They always have a message that is deep, strong and powerful.

This is why we were so excited when Yusuf ‘Y10’ Ma’aji from Abuja, Nigeria, requested that we review Slaughterhouse’s ‘Goodbye’.

Don’t Be a Menace

Rated 29% by rotten tomatoes, you will expect the movie, Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Sipping Juice in the Hood, to be a bumbling flop. But alas, that was not the case. It had its moments and for those who love slapstick comedy, it was a blast.

So what was it about the movie that got movies goers to pay a gross sum of $39.2 million to see?

We look discuss this on THE REVIEW today.

Listen here.

The Review: CROOKED SMILE (J. COLE)

The Second Single off J. Cole’s second album – Born Sinner – was Crooked Smile. As a song, ‘Crooked Smile’ had an impact message, which stays true to the hip hop artist’s persona.

THE REVIEW: PRETTY HURTS - BEYONCE

Hello you!

As promised, here is the first episode of our new show – SHADES OF US: THE REVIEW.