These are the questions I keep getting from family, ‘friends’ and
acquaintances. In their view, I am no longer a young ‘girl’ and this means that
I should be married now, settled into my role as wife and eventually, mother. I
shouldn’t be traipsing about in the name of ‘chasing career’. In fact, I was
told that I shouldn’t chase career at the expense of marriage and motherhood.
All of this however, is not surprising. If I am being truthful to
myself, I would admit that it is kind of expected. I have written about this
one too many times to not expect that I would be at the receiving end as I get
older. But expecting it doesn’t make it any less maddening. It always amazes me
how my decision to get married (or
not) affects people so much so that they think I need an intervention. Usually,
when asked these questions, I have three answers depending on who you are.
1.
To
family, I say I do not want to rush into an institution like marriage until I
am willing to go all the way and until I have found someone whose entire being
and essence, including all the horrible (HORRIBLE) parts, are things I can
handle for the rest of my life.
2.
I
tell ‘friends’ that I may not get married and get a kick out of watching their
expressions as they digest what I said; and
3.
If an
acquaintance has the effrontery to ask when I am getting married, I look at
them pointedly and ask how it affects their lives. Like seriously, how does
it?!
While my true answer is a combination of all these, it isn’t the
whole story. I grew up witnessing only unhappy marriages. Some of
them bore their cross, others left. In all these, the children suffered the
consequences of their parents’ poor marriages. Even the homes I thought were
happy had their problems and were sometimes just a façade. So, I really don’t
want to be married at all if it means not ensuring my children grow up in a
safe, loving and majorly happy environment. I also don’t consider marriage the
achievement-for-women most people think it is. In my view, it isn’t an
achievement, a goal or something to aspire to. I view it as a part of my life and not the whole. But more than anything, I see the
level of unhappiness in marriages and I want to hold off as long as I can; that
is if I do. Have you also noticed that the people who are always clamouring for
your wedding are usually the ones with the saddest marriages? Misery they say…
Anyway, my family always tells me that just because something
didn’t work for others doesn’t mean it wouldn’t work for me. I agree with that
completely. I may just be the one who gets a happy marriage (*scoffs). What
are the odds of that happening? I believe that marriage is full time work
and until I am sure I am ready to make the sacrifices necessary to make that
work, work…I am not going to fret or oblige anyone by jumping the broom.
When I say this, I am always told that time is not on my side: that when I am ready, I may not get the type of man I want, and age doesn’t
flatter a woman. I must admit that in some regard, they are right. As I have
grown older, the pool of men who used to ‘toast’ me have greatly reduced. It
reduces further when the ones left hear I am a feminist. It reduces even
further when they hear I am keeping my name (*laughing my head off)
but in all, they are proving me, not my family or friends, right. I will age and lose my beauty. Should my ‘husband’ who fell in love with my youth
be expected to stay when that happens? What prevents him from chasing a younger
girl when I am no longer fresh and peng? I won’t stop being a
feminist – contrary to what most people
think would happen – so it is better the guy runs away before he even gets
started. And I will always be Ramatu Ada Ochekliye. If he doesn’t get it, why
do I need to be married to him anyway?
So, I have come to the conclusion that people will always bug me about
getting married until I do. Even at that, they won’t stop. The next thing will
be when I give birth to my first child…and the next…and the next. That is their
prerogative; as inappropriate as it is. However, as I am living my life for me
and would be held accountable for all my decisions, I would do what I want with
it! Thank you very much!
Now…to the very stubborn people who cannot take a cue even if it
slaps them in face with its tentacles, let me lay it out plainly to you. If you
do not have a happy marriage, don’t ever ask me when I am going to get married.
If per chance you do, I promised I will use the knowledge of your unhappy
marriage to clap back at you. It would go something like this; ‘Awww…I
am sure you are SO happy in your marriage that is why your husband is sleeping
with undergrads at the university he works’ or ‘I am inspired
by your marriage. Knowing how bored your wife is with you makes me want to
marry as quickly as possible’. So the caveat here is, if want to ask about
how soon I am getting married, make sure your relationship can pass through my
fire. Or better still, mind your business! Thank you!
PS: Dear family, I was not talking to you oh! You can ask me
anytime you want. (No be now I wan die.)
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