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| Ramatu Ada Ochekliye at Montage Radio 99.7 FM to Discuss Fertility and Blame Culture in Nigeria |
Last week, I joined Gesiere on Montage Radio 99.7 FM in Abuja to discuss a topic that touches the lives of countless Nigerian (and dare I say, African) women: fertility, blame, and the ways patriarchy shapes our understanding of reproductive health. Our conversation was part of the 16 Days of Activism, a global campaign that, this year, places a spotlight on ending digital violence against women and girls.
Below is a narrative of our exchange, capturing the heart of the conversation.
A: Growing up in Nigeria, it was almost impossible not to notice how much pressure women faced, especially around marriage and childbearing. Women were often expected to play only two roles: lifetime wife to a man, regardless of how many wives he had or was allowed to have, and mother to as many children as her womb could carry, regardless of how stressful these pregnancies could be on her body and mind. I remember how quickly a woman’s value could be questioned because she had not conceived within a certain timeframe. And I remember how the definition of fertility for women was extended: it wasn't just not having ever been pregnant, it was also used to describe women who had only given birth to girls. The ‘failure’ to produce a clear hierarchy of heirs to continue the ‘legacy’ of families was squarely placed on the shoulders of women. I saw how these expectations affected friends, neighbours, and even women within my family.
But what struck me the most were the stories whispered behind closed doors: women who carried shame that did not belong to them, women whose dignity and mental health were slowly eroded because society made fertility their personal burden. These experiences pushed me to commit to challenging harmful norms and to advocate for women’s autonomy, health, and dignity.
A: There are many, but a few myths stand out because they are so deeply ingrained.
The idea that a woman’s fertility is a direct measure of her worth. The belief that infertility is almost always the woman’s fault. The notion that only a woman has a biological clock, even though science shows male fertility declines, too. And of course, the belief in spiritual attacks as the primary cause of infertility often prevents couples from seeking medical evaluation.
These myths form the foundation of blame culture, which disproportionately affects women.
A: The answer lies in how patriarchy (and its evil twin, misogyny) defines gender roles. In many Nigerian communities, a woman is expected to “prove” her value through childbirth; cultural and inheritance systems prioritise male lineage, making childbirth almost an obligation; religious and family systems position women as the custodians of reproduction; and perhaps most importantly, the idea of male infertility is seen as unthinkable because it challenges the image of the “strong, potent man.”
So the woman becomes the easiest target for blame.
A: The list is long and very painful:
Being constantly asked, “When are you giving us a child?”
Being compared to other women, sometimes even to past or potential wives.
Facing subtle or direct suggestions that a second wife is the “solution.”
Isolation, ridicule, or threats from in-laws.
And now, digital harassment—gossip in family WhatsApp groups, snide comments on social media, or mocking posts.
This is not harmless.
A: Absolutely. It is a form of emotional, psychological, and structural violence. It affects a woman’s mental health, undermines her autonomy, and exposes her to humiliation and stress. And when this harassment happens online, it becomes a form of digital gender-based violence, which is rising across Africa.
We have seen how women have been shamed by the online mobs for not having children, or worse, for choosing not to have children. The conversation about women growing old, childless or childfree, and having only their cats to console them is all the rage now. Again, it ties directly to the idea that women must be wives and mothers to be deserving of respect or to be perceived as valuable.
Online mobs may not always cause physical harm. But the shaming and piling on can cause such emotional distress that women quit the internet, experience a mental breakdown, or even commit suicide.
But this violence is not only online. It can quickly become physical, starting at home and rippling outward. Families-in-law hit daughters-in-law for not having children. Society can attack the woman for witchcraft and ‘eating her children’. And you can expect bystander apathy, again, tied to the social norms that are expected of women.
A: Because it challenges the cultural script. In our society, masculinity is strongly tied to virility. And men take their virility seriously. The idea that something is wrong with their virility makes them think that they may be treated like they treat women: a little (or very much) less than them.
The shame.
The abuse.
The disrespect.
Men are also not socialized to accept vulnerability. And male reproductive health is rarely discussed publicly. Admitting male infertility disrupts long-held beliefs, so people avoid it, even when evidence is clear, for many reasons:
Fear of stigma—no man wants to be labelled “less of a man.”
Fear of confronting unhealthy habits that may contribute to infertility.
And cultural conditioning that says the woman must be tested first. Tested, treated, harangued, and pressured first.
Meanwhile, common male habits that affect sperm quality—smoking, heavy drinking, prolonged heat exposure, poor diet, untreated STIs, lack of sleep, steroid misuse—are rarely acknowledged.
A: The most famous example is Baba Segi’s Wives from the popular novel. But even outside fiction, Nigerian clinics are full of such cases.
I have heard of women who endured years of painful procedures—HSG tests, hormones, injections—only for doctors to later discover the man had severe male-factor infertility. In some situations, men refused testing for years. And then there are cases where DNA tests reveal that men are not the biological fathers of their children—yet society somehow still finds ways to shame the woman.
Silence around male infertility leaves women carrying blame that is not theirs.
A: Often, they spiritualize infertility instead of encouraging medical evaluation for both partners, tell the woman to pray harder, “submit more,” or change her diet, suggest polygamy or side relationships as “solutions.”
Their words carry power, and often reinforce harmful gender norms.
A: Fertility pressure is a form of violence.
It attacks a woman’s dignity, limits her decision-making, and exposes her to humiliation. And in the digital age, this violence has moved online—through trolling, revenge posts, gossip, and public shaming.
The 16 Days of Activism is a powerful opportunity to start conversations that challenge these norms, promote facts about male infertility, call out digital bullying of women, and influence families, faith leaders, and traditional institutions to rethink harmful narratives.
A: We need to:
Teach basic biology—fertility is a shared responsibility.
Normalize couples testing together.
Challenge jokes or “harmless comments” that shame women.
Promote responsible and respectful digital behaviour.
Change begins with language and everyday attitudes.
A: Seek medical evaluation together. Communicate openly and support each other emotionally. Embrace healthier lifestyles as a team.
Infertility should never be a solo battle.
A: They can:
Develop public campaigns on male-factor infertility.
Feature men who openly discuss fertility challenges.
Make male assessments part of standard clinic protocols.
Introduce policies that include fertility testing for both genders in insurance coverage.
Systemic change makes personal change easier.
A: Fertility is not a measure of your masculinity. Prioritize your reproductive health. Protect your partner from unjust blame.
A: Your worth is not tied to childbirth. There are many things that could affect your fertility that are completely out of your control: fibroids, endometriosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), cancer, hormonal imbalances, etc. You deserve compassion, respect, and shared responsibility, not shame.
A: I hope for a Nigeria where fertility challenges are treated as a family health issue, not a woman’s burden, and where digital spaces become safer for women navigating reproductive struggles. That shift would transform not just homes, but generations.
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