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Man Proposing with a diamond ring Culled from: SALON |
Dear
future husband,
Here are
a few things you need to know if you want to be my one and only all my
life. Hey Meghan Trainor, get out of my head!
First
off, I am a whole, complete and full human being. You do not ‘complete’ me, or
make me ‘whole’. I am not half a human being who needs to be completed. I hope
you also know that you are a whole, complete and a full human being too. I am
not in your life to complete you either.
I was
created for a purpose for which I have taken time to search and understand.
Guess what? That purpose is not marriage! Marriage to you will be a part of my life and not the entire
essence of it. This means that whether I marry you or remain single, my life
will still be fulfilled as long as I live my purpose. So if I decide to marry
you, it will not be because marriage will make my life more fulfilling or
meaningful. No. And if you haven’t found the ‘why’ of your life, you better
keep that ring to yourself. Be assured that I will not marry someone whom
I have to help find his way. Find the reason for your existence and then talk to me.
Society
doesn’t think my identity matters. They either want me to bare my father’s name
or yours. It is like the concept of my identity threatens the faux power
society wields. Well, I have decided to give my middle finger to society.
Taking your name is not compulsory. I love my name! I love my identity! So
forgive me darling for wanting to hold on to my name. I mean, it doesn’t change
the fact that I am your wife whether I take your name or not. Chimamanda
Adichie isn’t less married because she didn’t take her husband’s name. Same with
Beyoncé. I hope you understand.
The best
qualities I bring to you are not my
virginity, ability to cook or how long I can pray. The best quality I am
bringing to the table is the quality of my mind. I am not an ornament. I have a
fully functional brain with my own thoughts, views, ideas and ideologies. I say
what I think, whenever I feel. While I admire the quality of your mind, I will
not shelve my ideas or views for yours. Your ideas are not better than mine
because you are a man. They should be better on merit. And when they are better,
I will admit it and respect yours but I will not accept the premise that the
quality of an idea is based on which side of the gender divide one falls in.
I do not
believe you are the head of our home. We are partners in a relationship that is equality.
Having said that, I understand that equality is also about sacrifice and
compromise and I am willing to be reasonable for the greater good of our
partnership. There are days when you should lead and there are days when I should. We need to play to our strengths and capabilities. So let me put this out there; I will not do all the house chores! That house is our home; so we either work together to keep it or we don’t even
bother walking down that road. If you want a wife to take care of all the home
chores, that woman is not me. I will have no option but to bid you farewell and
send out my best wishes to you.
Let’s
talk about sex baby. (Salt-N-Pepa, it is 2016. A new track won’t hurt!) Sex is
a beautiful expression of a lot of things and could mean anything at any given
time. I know about sex; a lot!
Knowing about sex doesn’t make me a ‘whore’ as popular belief says. Hey
society, how come when a woman knows about sex she is a whore but when a man
does, he isn’t? We will break you, society! Mark our words! I am not
going to act naïve to feed your ego. I will actively partake in the pleasure
giving and taking that is sex. There will be role playing games and oh-so-crazy
adventurous things we will do in the bedroom (and on the couch, on the table,
on the bar, on the floor. You can meet me in the bathr…wait Young Jeezy! Let me
finish this!). If this doesn’t go well with your ego, you can go to moon and
rest. You will not be missed; at least, not by me.
My love,
you know I like me some adventure. There are times I would want us to eat out,
stay in a hotel, travel around the globe, try new things and basically be as
much fun as possible. Even when we get older and can’t be jumping up and down,
I still want us to find small pleasures that make memories worth keeping.
I can
honestly take care of myself. I believe in working hard for everything I need
and then working some more for the things I want. I won’t marry you for
financial security. My brain is capable of making me as wealthy as I want to be
and all of that is independent of you. Don’t think you are doing me a favor by
telling me about the money you are making. You may be Jay but you better
believe that I am Bey. You can expect that I will bring in my own slice of the
bacon which should be a Naira for Naira match of what you are bringing in.
While I expect us to gift each other things over the course of our lives, don’t
worry about my clothes, underwear, skin products, hair and makeup. I’ve got
this. I also want you to know that I will buy houses, cars, bonds, businesses
and other things I consider assets; and in my name too! Don’t fret. I expect
you to do the same.
When we
have children, the onus of raising them does not fall on just me. We need to be
there for our children in every way possible. I am talking changing diapers,
staying up at night, feeding them, carrying them, helping out with homework,
going for recitals, teaching them lifelong lessons, sending them off to college
and their own lives. There are times when we need to switch roles in the good
cop/bad cop method of discipline. We have to let them find their own way
without pressing on them to live for us. This is a daunting task and I won’t do
it alone.
I am not
going to remain this way forever. I am going to put on weight and even if that
doesn’t happen, my beauty is going to fade as I get older. My breasts will be
less perky, my skin will have less glow and eventually fold and crumple, my
hair will turn grey, my thighs will have cellulite, my back will bend, my sight
will become poorer and my teeth may fall off. I know all these and I have
accepted it. I won’t try to remain young by all means. Like Lana Del Ray, I
have to ask; would you still love when I’m no longer young and beautiful? Would
you still love me when younger girls collides with your mid-life crisis? I want
you to really think about this before we decide to go all the way.
I really
don’t want a divorce. I have seen first-hand what divorces does to a couple and
what it does to children. If I accept your ring, it is for the long haul. This
means that I am willing to make it work as long as it is humanly possible. That
being said, I will not be taken for granted. There are deal breakers for me
that I will not condone. I may
forgive cheating (double emphasis on the word ‘may’) but I will not forgive physical or emotional abuse. If you ever make me
feel worthless or raise your hand to hit me, I am out! It doesn’t matter how
sorry you are, if you so much as slap me, we are done! Our children need to be
taught why they should never hit
anyone and an abusive father is definitely no role model.
This is
what I am saying in essence. I am a strong black woman who knows exactly what I
want. I am driven and passionate and I will not lose myself to a man who isn’t
prepared to know what is coming. I will not marry you for sex, money, security,
to be a Mrs. You, to have children or just to get society off my fudging back.
Some might ask why I even need you. Well, I don’t; need you!
I want to
marry you because we are two like-minded people who understand that our reasons
for existence is far greater than ourselves. A partnership with you will ensure
that we raise children who are better able to deal with the walls of society
that keeps closing in on any one who dares to be different. I want to be with
you because we complement each other in ways resplendent of the sync between
computer hardware and software. I want to be with you because together, we can
take on anything or anyone and best of all, we can change the world! Do I love
you? Of course! But I understand that no marriage survives on just emotional
reactions to oxycotin.
I know my
demands are a lot but in the next chapter of my DEAR FUTURE FAMILY series, I will tell you what I am offering. After all, I
won’t make such demands if I have nothing to offer.
So…do you
still want me to be your wife?
With
Love,
Your
future wife.
Now I'm feeling like writing a letter to my future wife! Where is my pen? Who took my pen? Ramat did you see my pen? Beautiful piece. This should be your best work I've read! I love it.
ReplyDeleteTo more important issue! I don't have any problem with all that you've written, so will you marry me?
LMHO! I hope you get to write for your future wife. As to the proposal, erhmm...let me get back to you on that. LOL. Thanks for reading dear. I am so grateful!
DeleteA niece piece though, But in
ReplyDeletereality some of these conditions
will naturally fade away like a dew.
Sometimes walking
away might not be the
option, neither staying
put. The option might just
be looking up to God for an answer
or a solution. My sister you need to pray
very hard for the right person to come from God.
Thank you Otobo for commenting. Sometimes we expect GOD to do things for us when HE has equipped us with the knowledge for problem solving. GOD doesn't choose the 'right' person for you; you do. That is why we must approach marriage with logic rather than emotions. Either way, I am appreciative of the time you took to read and comment on the blog.
DeleteDear future wife ,see me in my chamber..... 👍
ReplyDelete😅😅😅...you are so impossible!
DeleteRemy!!!
ReplyDeleteGood piece. I can pick some and apply to ma life especially the ...whatchu wana hear?? Lol