Dear Future Family: Letter to My Husband

Man Proposing with a diamond ring Culled from: SALON

Dear future husband,

Here are a few things you need to know if you want to be my one and only all my life. Hey Meghan Trainor, get out of my head!

First off, I am a whole, complete and full human being. You do not ‘complete’ me, or make me ‘whole’. I am not half a human being who needs to be completed. I hope you also know that you are a whole, complete and full human being too. I am not in your life to complete you either.

I was created for a purpose for which I have taken time to search and understand. Guess what? That purpose is not marriage! Marriage to you will be a part of my life and not the entire essence of it. This means that whether I marry you or remain single, my life will still be fulfilled as long as I live my purpose. So if I decide to marry you, it will not be because marriage will make my life more fulfilling or meaningful. No. And if you haven’t found the ‘why’ of your life, you better keep that ring to yourself. Rest assured that I will not marry someone whom I have to help find his way. Find the reason for your existence and then talk to me.

Society doesn’t think my identity matters. They either want me to bear my father’s name or bear your name. It is like the concept of my identity threatens the faux power society wields. Well, I have decided to give my middle finger to society. Taking your name is not compulsory. I love my name! I love my identity! So forgive me darling for wanting to hold on to my name. I mean, it doesn’t change the fact that I am your wife whether I take your name or not. Chimamanda Adichie isn’t less married because she didn’t take her husband’s name. Same with Beyoncé. I hope you can understand why I want to do this.

The best qualities I bring to you are not my virginity, ability to cook nor how long I can pray. The best quality I am bringing to the table is the quality of my mind. I am not an ornament. I have a fully functional brain with my own thoughts, views, ideas and ideologies. I say what I think, whenever I feel. While I admire the quality of your mind, I will not shelve my ideas or views for yours. Your ideas are not better than mine because you are a man. They should be better on merit. And when they are better, I will admit it and respect yours but I will not accept the premise that the quality of an idea is based on which side of the gender divide one falls in.

You are the not my master cum slave driver. So let me put this out there: I will not do ALL the house chores! That house is our home so we either work together to keep it or we don’t even bother walking down that road. If you want a wife to take care of all the home chores, that woman is not me. I will have no option but to bid you farewell and send out my best wishes to you.

Let us talk about sex baby. (Salt-N-Pepa, it is 2016. A new track won’t hurt!) Sex is a beautiful expression of a lot of things and could mean anything at any given time. I know about sex: a lot! Knowing about sex doesn’t make me a ‘whore’ as popular belief says. Hey society, how come when a woman knows about sex she is a whore but when a man does he isn’t? We will break you society! Mark our words! I am not going to act naïve to feed your ego. I will actively partake in the pleasure giving and taking that is sex. There will be role playing games and oh-so-crazy adventurous things we will do in the bedroom (and on the couch, on the table, on the bar, on the floor. You can meet me in the bathr…wait Young Jeezy! Let me finish this!). If this doesn’t go well with your ego, you can go to moon and rest. You will not be missed; at least, not by me.

My love, you know I like me some adventure. There are times I want us to eat out, stay in a hotel, travel around the globe, try new things and be as much fun as possible. Even when we get older and can’t be jumping up and down, I still want us to find small pleasures that make memories worth keeping.

I can honestly take care of myself. I believe in working hard for everything I need and then working some more for the things I want. I won’t marry you for financial security. My brain is capable of making me as wealthy as I want to be and all that independent of you. Don’t think you are doing me a favor by telling me about the money you are making. You may be Jay but you better believe that I am Bey. You can expect that I will bring in my own slice of the bacon which should be a naira for naira match of what you are bringing in. While I expect us to gift each other things over the course of our lives, don’t worry about my clothes, underwear, skin products, hair and makeup. I’ve got this. I also want you to know that I will buy houses, cars, bonds, businesses and other things I consider assets: and in my name too! Don’t fret. I expect you to do the same.

When we have children, the onus of raising them does not fall on just me. We need to be there for our children in every way possible. I am talking changing diapers, staying up at night, feeding them, carrying them, helping out with homework, going for recitals, teaching them lifelong lessons, sending them off to college and their own lives. There are times when we need to switch roles in the good cop/bad cop method of discipline. We have to let them find their own way without pressing on them to live for us. This is a daunting task and I won’t do it alone.

I am not going to remain this way forever. I am going to put on weight and even if that doesn’t happen, my beauty is going to fade as I get older. My breasts will be less perky, my skin will have less glow and eventually fold and crumple, my hair will turn grey, my thighs will have cellulite, my back will bend, my sight will become poorer and my teeth may fall off. I know all these and I have accepted it. I won’t try to remain young by all means. Like Lana Del Ray, I have to as:  would you still love when I’m no longer young and beautiful? Would you still love me when younger girls collide with your mid-life crisis? I want you to really think about this before we decide to go all the way.

I really don’t want a divorce. I have seen first-hand what divorce does to a couple and what it does to children. If I accept your ring, it is for the long haul. This means that I am willing to make it work as long as it is humanly possible. That being said, I will not be taken for granted. There are deal breakers for me that I will not condone. I may forgive cheating (double emphasis on the word ‘may’) but I WILL NOT forgive physical or emotional abuse. If you ever make me feel worthless or raise your hand to hit me, I am out! It doesn’t matter how sorry you are, if you so much as slap me, we are done! Our children need to be taught why they should never hit anyone and an abusive father is definitely no role model.

This is what I am saying in essence. I am a strong black woman who knows exactly what I want. I am driven and passionate and I will not lose myself to a man who isn’t prepared to know what is coming. I will not marry you for sex, money, security, to be a Mrs. You, to have children or just to get society off my fudging back. Some might ask why I even need you. Well, I don’t; need you!

I want to marry you because we are two like-minded people who understand that our reasons for existence is far greater than ourselves. A partnership with you will ensure that we raise children who are better able to deal with the walls of society that keeps closing in on any one who dares to be different. I want to be with you because we complement each other in ways resplendent of the sync between computer hardware and software. I want to be with you because together, we can take on anything or anyone and best of all, we can change the world! Do I love you? Of course! But I understand that no marriage survives on just emotional reactions to oxycotin.

I know my demands are a lot but in the next chapter of my DEAR FUTURE FAMILY series, I will tell you what I am offering. I won’t make such demands if I have nothing to offer.

So…do you still want me to be your wife?

With Love,

Strong, black woman.