DEAR FUTURE FAMILY: LETTER TO MYSELF

PICTURE CULLED FROM: NATIONTRENDZ

Dear 21^st Century Strong Black Woman,

Unfortunately, nobody has a song for you because they think you are a phase. But we will have to make do with Run the World by Beyonce. They have been trying to shut you out for so long it is a wonder you are still standing strong. Some even think you are ‘demonic’ for holding your own. Well girl, bask in their hate! Women like you who have refused to cower to the system have gone on to shine further and farther than anyone can ever imagine; women like Beyoncé, Oprah, Chimamanda Adichie, Ava Duvernay, Shonda Rhimes, Maya Angelou, Warsan Shire, Mo Abudu, Kemi Adetiba, Juliet K’ego and so many more that cannot be mentioned. So girl, shine! Write your own stories and force the earth to listen to your brilliance!

That being said, we need to talk.

First off, we know that you are whole, complete and full. Sometimes you wonder if you will ever find someone who sees the world like you do. You need to know that there are millions of men who not only see the world like you do but who are also searching for you. You have to be more accessible. Sometimes, let it all go down in the DM. Don’t be sending those nudes (tsk Yo Gotti) because there are some really crazy dudes out there who are all about revenge porn. But…be more open. Be more willing to interact with people.

On a serious note though. You are complete. No arguing that. No man will complete you. That is given. But you have to allow that good man complement you. We are using the word ‘allow’. You know how you always want things to go your way, well…cut it out! Allow that man sweep you off your feet, allow him treat you like you are fragile even if the world knows you aren’t. We all know you are able to open the car door yourself, pull out your own seat in the restaurant and split the bill but if he insists on doing all these, let him girl! Good thing is, you can always do the same and ask him to get dressed, pick him up, open the car door for him, pull out his seat and pay the bills; just like Usher said in Trading Places. You can then laugh together while cuddling as you compare notes about who is better at the art of romance.

He is not expecting you to take his name. How about you surprise him and do? I can see you balking and girl, you better listen! We ain’t here to play! You are no less a feminist if you take your husband’s name. Work hard on getting your name out there, work harder on being memorable and people will not be so bothered about your last name. Leave that for the government documents. I see you are still balking. Girl, when you hear Oprah and Beyoncé, doesn’t it take you a minute to remember what their surnames are? So our point is that you work hard at leaving a legacy and people will care only about your first name. But since you want to change the world with your man, a single name that rings true for your family makes you more awesome. You guys can choose a new name you want to go by if you are not comfortable with his family name. Think of the Durotoyes, the Gates, and the Carters (*wink). The name thing is a two way street. If that man fits into your expectations, you know you don’t need to worry about trivial things like names. Okay?

Your mind is beautiful. We know that. We also know you are stubborn. Very! So though you have your own thoughts, you must listen to others once in a while. No one is a repository of knowledge and if you want to be relevant for long, you constantly have to open your mind to the wisdom of others. What better person to listen to than the man you love?! Everyone knows you will not pick someone who is mediocre so open yourself to him. Let him make decisions that you know are important and support him wholly. Baby girl, there are times you should just shut up and be led! Isn’t leading such a stressful path sometimes? And…remember what leadership is about? Following and service! Don’t be Sheldon Cooper or that always-angry woman in those Tyler Perry movies. You do not become less than you are by listening to your man.

And about cooking, girl…you know you love to cook! Why are you acting up? We know that it can be tiring but you and he can work out a schedule. Now, don’t go bossing about getting that schedule followed to the tee. When he has a long day in the office, surprise him with a warm bath and piping hot food. Don’t hammer on it being his turn and let that man suffer. You know you would hate it if that is done to you. So, do to him what you would want done to you. Isn’t that the entire essence of the second most important commandment? Meet him at the door with a kiss, don’t nag, resolve fights quickly and when he is having that bath, rub out the kinks in his back and thighs so he can rest well for the hours of lovemaking communion you should have before bed. You know he will do the same for you if you had the long day. So don’t be selling fish.

Treat him like a king as he should treat you like a queen. Honor him. Make him feel so good at home that he isn’t happy until he gets back. When at work, you can be the Sasha-fierce-go-getter that you are but when you come home, be a cuddly bear! And yes, we know you hate to cuddle! You will learn, girl, and you will learn fast! Also, learn to leave the office drama in the office. When you are home, it is family time! Maximize every moment with family by enjoying the moments away from the office. The office can wait! Madam workaholic, do you hear us? You better get those ear muffs out of your ears. We ain’t playing!

When the babies come in, you have to learn to work with him. We know hormones are crazy but girl, you are the master of your own body! Don’t become momzilla because you are overwhelmed. Don’t go around refusing to ask for help. ASK. HIM. FOR. HELP! We know you hate to hear that but, ask! Don’t do it all on your own and expect him to know what you need. He is from Mars, you are from Venus. He doesn’t read your silent language!

And before we forget girl, there is a difference between disciplining your children and child abuse. You know that. So be careful how you raise your kids. Just throwing that in there. And to add to that, don’t transfer your love to your babies and leave that man to hang out and dry. Your heart is big enough to love your husband, your babies, your family, your job, your causes and your legacy. Don’t pour all of that love on just your babies. Taking care of babies can be overwhelming but you see how John Legend and Chrissy Teigen and Cornelius and Heather Lindsey are going at it? They are keeping their relationship fresh by taking baby-free date nights. That is where grandparents come in; well, more like grandmas. In essence, we are saying you should not let your relationship with your husband suffer because you have babies. Remember that babies are not a requirement in a marriage; they are blessings of the marriage. Don’t make the gift more important than the system.

To the point we have been waiting to jump you on. What was that in your letter about you letting yourself go? Because that is what it sounded like to us. Girl, we know you will age but you better slowdown that process! Get your workout shoes and dust the fudge out of them! Have you seen Halle Berry? She is fudging 50! Yes we can blame good genes and certain surgeries but you should not let yourself go! The African woman has the propensity to be heavy or thick but girl, you better keep that body going for as long as possible. Look at Joke Silva, Mo Abudu, Aisha Mohammed, Michelle Obama, Lisa Raye, Phylicia Rashad and the likes. Girl, you better keep that man interested in coming home for a quick romp in the afternoon (*wink). Be talking about letting go and ish. Ta! We won’t accept it!

So girl, you have your life ahead of you and you have a whole lot of roles to play. Marriage is daunting and since we aren’t going to have a divorce – we aren’t, right? We see you nodding that head. Glad we agree – you need to learn to compromise. Both of you! You will fight and have big blow-outs but you better keep them away from the kids and settle quickly. Plus you have an incentive; make up sex baby!

You are a feminist. You are driven and passionate. You are a go-getter. You want to leave your legacy in the heart of history. You want to change the world. We know all these and guess what? We still believe that you can do all that and be a loving, caring, supporting, goofy, mushy and amazing wife. What does this entail? Properly planning your moments and doggedly working at yourself, your relationship, your family, your work and your vision. Is it going to be hard? Fudge yeah! But you are a 21^st century strong black woman and girl, nothing can stop you!

We believe in you. We believe in us.

With Love,

Your Other Personalities.