Image: Jet Magazine |
Dear
future son,
Oh, how I
love you! From the moment I saw you, I was overwhelmed with such glorious love
and happiness. I could tell you would look exactly like your father and the
thought of having a mini version of the man I love is pure joy. As you grow
into that bumble of joy and excitement that I can barely contain, I want to
share some ground rules with you.
You need
to know that you are born into a world that gives you some advantages.
When James Brown said ‘It is a man’s world’, he wasn’t just
trying to sell records. He was speaking about a very real situation in the
world today. While society has given you certain privileges, I will have you
know that I require a different set
of standards for you. And as your father will tell you, you better not mess
with me. Relax baby; I promise to be nice.
For many
millennia, men have been told they are the superior gender because they are
men. They have been taught that women are less than men on all fronts. You will
be told that women are supposed to cower before you, defer to you, or obey you.
You will hear this from schools, the community, religious centers, workplaces, and even the internet. Where you will never
hear that is at home. This is because all that load of bull poop is just that;
a load of shit! Men are not better than women or superior to women. Men and
women are created equal with different physical features like two sides of a
coin. That is why the difference ends. You will learn this from science. You
will learn that the brains of men and women are not that much different and as
such, there is no basis for saying that women are less than men.
You will
learn to respect everyone – be they
male or female – and you will learn to treat them as the human beings they are.
We will not permit you to be discriminatory to anyone. You will learn to
respect people regardless of their faith, beliefs, ideologies, gender, class,
abilities, sexual preferences, orientation, and race. Every person is a full
human with their own agency and you will treat them right. I am not saying
you should agree with everything they
do; not even close. I am saying that you should respect their humanity always despite these differences. Every
human being has rights and dignity and when you know this, you will never
knowingly hurt anyone.
We will
support you wholly to become anyone you want to be as long as you are not
hurting any human being. You have to learn to live for more than just yourself
though. Your life needs to be shaped after solving a problem for humanity.
There are so many problems in the world today and you stand a better chance of
leaving a legacy when solving problems is your mantra than if you live for
yourself. And the best principle is creating a need and solving it. You can be better than Bill Gates, Mark
Zuckerberg, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King Jr. and even a
combination of all of them and more. Whatever you become is all up to you. I
want you to be the best version of you and your dad and I will ensure you have
the best support system you can possibly have. Be assured however that I
will not condone a life formulated after Hitler’s, Stalin’s, Trump’s,
Idi Amin’s, or Femi Fani Kayode’s.
From age seven,
I will expect you to start doing chores. We will start with simple things like
washing your underwear, cleaning your room, doing the dishes, sweeping certain
portions, and cleaning surfaces. As you get older, your chores will increase.
Also from age 7, I will expect you to be in the kitchen anytime Dad and I are
cooking. By 13, you would be expected to cook part of the family meals and by 15,
you will be placed on the family cooking schedule. This will teach you to be
responsible for yourself and others at all times. You don’t need a woman to
take care of you. You are a fully functional human being and should be able to
function as such.
I want
you to learn work ethics and discipline. If you work for someone, don’t ever
short-change them. Go to work on time, stay in the office for as long as your
contract says, and give your best every minute of the time you are in the
office. Don’t use your position to abuse the trust your employer or clients
place in you. And if you choose to work for yourself, be diligent in your duty
to your dream. Wake up every day eager to do more for your goals and stay awake
many nights to ensure your vision and dreams translate to tangible reality. You
owe yourself that.
You do
not need to stick to the status quo of society. Be innovative,
creative, exploratory, curious, eager, and desirous of new things. The
environment can be a huge motivation if you look inside out!
As you
get older, I will teach you about your sexuality and what sex means and
doesn’t. You will hear so much about sex and society will tell you that you can
get away with so much. Society doesn’t expect you to be chaste; in fact, she
will actively encourage you to be anything but. The same standards are not held
for women as I am sure you will learn. But this is what I will teach you; if
you call an unmarried woman who is sexually active a ‘whore’, then be sure that
I will address you the same way if you are sexually active. This means that you
must learn to hold everyone to the same standards you hold yourself.
And still
talking sex, I will never forgive you if you rape anyone. Sexual consent is
very important! A drunk woman doesn’t give you consent by being drunk. A woman
who visits you doesn’t give you consent by being in your house. The way a woman
dresses is not an invitation to be raped. She has her rights just as you do.
When a woman says no, she means no. It doesn’t matter if you have been petting
heavily and you are poised just at the entrance of her vagina. If she says no
and you proceed, it is rape! So, baby boy, you have to learn to have
self-control. Sex is powerful and can be overwhelming but you can always put a
stop to raging hormones.
You are
also not permitted to hit a woman! Heck! You are not permitted to hit anyone!
When you have crazy rages that seem to cloud your judgment, walk away! In
fact, run the fudge away! A man who hits a woman is weak and no son of mine
will hit a woman and not get the black slapped off his face! If a woman annoys
you to the point of explosive anger, you better walk away. It is hard
baby...but life itself is hard!
I know
that being a man has some perks but they also come with some negatives. Society
doesn’t want you different from her accepted values. You are expected to love
sports or video games, hate fashion, not cry, or be termed gay. You are also
expected to cheat on whomever you are with because ‘you are a man’. Well, baby
boy, if you hate sports and love fashion, it is all good and fine! And there is
absolutely nothing wrong with crying. If you want to cry, go ahead; cry, baby! As
for cheating, my rule is simple; do unto your partner what you will be happy
done to you. Simple!
One of
the biggest responsibilities society puts on you is supposedly the need to be
everything for your family; father, provider, support system, stoic protector, and role model. All of this can be too much for any one person. That is why you
need to know that you don’t have to be
all of that alone.
This
brings me to your choice of a life partner (if you decide to go down that
route). A partner who isn’t contributing to the family’s financial security is a
liability. Anyone can be a full-time house spouse and in truth, it is a full-time
job. You, however, should pick a partner who is willing to go over and beyond
the stretch of comfort as you should. A woman who expects to be taken care
of is not a woman I recommend to you. Choose a person whose vision tallies with
yours, who is already working at their goals, and who understands the dynamics of
a marriage partnership. I will also suggest you choose a person who is more than
just skincare, makeup, clothes, hair (real or fake), shoes,
bags, or jewelry. A person who uses their mind only to look fly is no person you
want for the long haul. Yes I know that men are supposed 'to want people based on
physical attraction' but like your daddy, I hope you realize – and quickly too –
that beauty is skin deep and transient.
In the
end, your dad and I are just guardians on your way to discovering yourself. We
will not try to live your life for you. We want you to choose the path you want
to follow and having done that, follow through passionately. We can assure you
that as soon as you are eighteen, we will ease up on the control and let you do
what you were born for. If you want to move out then, we will let you. We only
ask that you remember the family which you are from, and I am not talking about us.
So do not
hesitate to be awesome, superb, brilliant, and powerful. The earth needs all of
that spunk. Don’t deprive her of it.
We love
you, baby! And I am proud of you!
Bursting
with love,
21st
Century Strong Black Mum
Good write up. Very relevant, informative and educative
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Jokesh for reading an commenting. I appreciate you!
DeleteWonderful piece. I love it
ReplyDeleteThank you so much dear friend.
DeleteShades of Us.
Wow...this is refreshing
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
DeleteShades of Us.