Monday 12 December 2016


Thought Catalog for Unsplash

I have hashed a lot about the place society has relegated women to and while this is one of them, it is slightly different.

So let us get into it.

I was at a leadership summit recently. It was put together by a church and while I would not normally attend a church program, I keep my reservations aside when it is a leadership training.

The resource person is well traveled, known and respected. His knowledge on effective leadership was mind-blowing and I was impressed…until he spoke about his wife.

He bragged about his control over his wife, telling us how she studied a rare field of engineering and graduated with awesome grades. He went further to tell us that his wife had her Masters in Strategic Management and was one of the top in her class. I was impressed with his adulation until the next words flowed out of his mouth.

‘I told her I promised God everyone in my household would serve him and I made her keep those degrees because serving God is more important. Rather than go out there to work, she is teaching God’s word like I am.’

I was like, what the flying hell?! Can’t she serve God by applying her knowledge to improving her community?

But that was just the beginning.

He said that even though she was brilliant in her field, she didn’t need to apply her strategic management anywhere but their home. Yes! He said that. He said he is the head of their family and everything he wants has to be obeyed! Again, he said that!

He continued by saying that if she makes any money, she brings all of it to him so he can give it back to her. He said even when he gives her carte blanche to do whatever she wants with HER MONEY, she still submits it all to him so that he can dole it back out to her.

By this time, I was fuming. But…It got progressively worse.

The man said because he travels a lot and sees a lot of women with different styles and looks, he said — and I am quoting him here — that he even picks the hairstyles that his wife wears. He said that before she sets off to the salon, he tells her exactly what style to do and she has to do just that. And when he gets attracted to other women, he would replicate what was attractive in that woman onto his wife, instead of ‘committing adultery’. He told men to take a leaf from his playbook and instead of cheating, ‘copy and paste’ what they want in those other women to their wives. The way I see it, isn’t it fucking the other woman without actually touching her?

He then directed his focus to women. Trust me; I need to quote this one. ‘Women, you keep saying you will fix your hair the way you want. For those of you who think this, continue oh! Don’t ask us what we want. Allow that secretary that has the new hair we like become more interesting.’ In essence, if you didn’t do what your husband wants, you should not be surprised that another woman gets (and keeps) his attention. He also urged women to accept their husbands just as he is because he was doing his best to make the family better. She shouldn’t nag, and should always be supportive and submissive.

I was turned off by the speech and I wanted to shut him out. But for the sake of balance, I tried to give him the benefit of doubt. I hoped he would tell us how husbands MUST DO what their wives want if they were to keep her interested. It never came. I am talking three days of training, with roughly seventeen hours split into five sessions. Not ONCE in this time frame did he say anything about men doing what their wives want. But in all five sessions, he mentioned over and over again why women — wives — MUST OBEY THEIR HUSBANDS because he is the head of the house and MUST DO ALL THE MAN WANTS if he is to stay interested and faithful.

So here was an internationally acclaimed leadership facilitator who didn’t even get it right in his own home; a man who felt wives MUST obey their husbands (even if it meant rendering their education useless), and a man who made his wife dress up like the women he was attracted to so he can still cheat without the hassles of staining his reputation. This same man believes that wives should submit their earnings to their husbands so he can dole out parts of it back to her.

All I could see was a narcissistic, misogynistic control freak who isn’t ashamed to show the world how bad his attitude towards women is. You would almost wonder why he was teaching in a church, but I am pretty sure he would say the Bible gave him that assurance; after all, there is a whole chapter on the perfect wife — and her duties — in Proverbs, isn’t there? And though I learned a whole lot about effective leadership in the work place or within an organization, I couldn’t maintain respect for the facilitator in light of his blatant disrespect for women (in general) and his wife (in particular).

But this is more than me. What do you think of this man and his ideologies? Do you think women should only work in capacities approved by their husbands? Should women submit their salaries or earnings to their husband? And when women realize that they have such husbands, should they just ‘accept their husbands like that’?

I really would like to hear what you think of this. 


  1. I believe everyone has a responsibility to serve and add value to society; be you male or female. Marriage doesn't change that. Couples should submit to each other, submission is not for one party. For the love of God, I'm frankly tired of people especially churches preaching this school of thought.
    Imagine how progressive we would be as a people and country if we all give our equal qouta.

    P.S thank you for speaking up on things that matter. Well done

    1. I wish I know who you are but it is fine! Thank you for reading the piece. You are right; we have a responsibility to serve each other and add value to our society. Value is added, especially in marriage, where couples submit to one another. When we achieve this, we can progress as a people and a culture. Thank you again!

  2. was there no question and answer session in the training? even the bible says we should submit ourselves one to another and this goes for married couples too. perhaps he has never read that part of the bible

    1. LOL. The last part is what I always tell people. But...I was too angry to have asked any questions when the event was happening. If I was in that meeting today, I would be a much different person. And ask coherent questions. Thank you for reading and commenting.

  3. For me as a christian, your article does put me off. A woman's role is key and essential in a family, its why so many mothers can attempt single motherhood with impressive levels of success, men are not equipped for such. However a woman submitting to her male spouse does not diminish her role or value, remove the beam in your eye before you remove the mote in the facilitator's eye.
    Based on your hearsay alone though, I'd agree that he might be a domineering chauvinist, but you obviously write from a point of bias.
    All in all, not a bad article.

    1. Hello Anyasi.

      First off, thank you for reading the article. And yes, you are right; I am biased. I am biased against using the Bible as an excuse for bad behavior. I am biased against a society that thinks women are not equal to men and even more so in marriage. I am biased against controlling (and abusive) men who think it is okay to put women down. That is all this preacher was.

      The same Bible tells a man to love his wife as Christ loved the church. That love translated into a life laid at the cross. That love is such that we are not forced to follow Jesus or his works. That love is such that the Jesus you follow is not a domineering, self-serving, disrespectful being. The self-same Bible talks about 'submitting one unto another', which trumps female submission as quoted by the church and many men. The self same Bible says the the second greatest law is that you should love others as you would yourself. Asking a woman to submit to her husband without concurrently asking the man to submit to his wife diminishes a woman's value.

      A woman's role is key in the family; as is a man. What is not key however is what many societies describe as the role of a woman. And being a doormat to her husband is not key. And the statement that men are not equipped to raise families is false. Men do not want to be saddled with the responsibility of raising families. That is completely different from not being equipped to raise them. Hopefully, these ideologies would be eroded as time forces evolution.

      I struggled to see what the mote you are talking about is; or its correlation to the topic at hand. Pray tell me what it is.

      Again, thank you for reading.